The ponytail parades

who knows what I am.
I wander in circles through my collapsed grasp on mankind.
Why we coagulate like blood in small groups, searching for reassurance in the least of these,
impressionable worldly matters, is a mystery inside my wasted thoughts.
those that never make the paper glide unjustly through 1oth dimensions.
more space of which i do not recognize.
"I am but a garment out of fashion"
Shakespearian tongue of but 4 centuries old holds true to my personal meanderings.
You are overdue, and i am withering in the space of which you occupy, only twice a week, when i am lucky.
some days i am defiant of the world, but most days i am defined by what you say to me.

and i write it delicately. thoroughly.
so as to distract your eyes from what i really mean.


I am looking into a mirror. and i see no one.
I am looking at you. And i see everything.

I'm a sucker for a kind word

i am no fan of eloquent speeches, writings, etc... sometimes.
I like the raw heart stuff. or the heartless? thats slightly addicting.

I am confined to my room, and the stage, and my thoughts mostly these days.

but like warm bubbly water, the life is slowly creeping back into me.
and i am greatful.

I owe it mostly to Bethany this time.
God has brilliant taste when it comes to best friends.



well, i just wanted to let you know I'm not too busy for you.
and i like to criticize mostly anything on tv if you would like to come join me.
and i make a mean cup of Chai...

Simplecomplexity!
.... If my life had a title. :]



i'm just pulling things out of my pocket here to right.. like always you know?

but only from the left pocket, the right pocket is reserved for special occasions with a special someone who has a pairing pocket. ahhh, joy joy joy.


Today in Church (scary word.. we will have that conversation in person) we visited some of my favorite scripture.... Ephesians 4 and 5.

one of my favorite favorite verses...
ephesians 4:26 "..do not let the sun go down while you are angry"

so good. :]


but still i weaken somehow,
and it tears me apart.


i have aspirations to be a brilliant lyricist.
and to live a quaint life with 2 dogs, 1 cat, and some goats.
and i will always have dirty feet.... unless it's clean sheet day.


people take life to seriously, including me,
and some days... this blog is my cure.


just emptying my pocket,
singing like i always do. :]


life is kinda feeling like one of those reallly good songs, that you can't help but having a favorite part of, and even though you love the whole song.... your just really tempted to fast forward 2 minutes in to that sweet spot!!!

you are not the sunnnnnnnn.

I'm going to go eat corn dogs with my best friend now.


OUT!

all the love i have to give gets caught between every rib

sometimes i feel emotion on my face and in my stomach, and i don't know why it's there.
I'm in some awkward medium state where my body knows how it should feel, but my mind can't keep up.
I can't verbally relay how i feel, because i don't know!

I just don't know what to tell myself.
I can't sort out the loneliness from love sometimes.

I don't know what to tell you.
I don't know what I feel.

and it's the honest truth.


I'm tired and frustrated and selfish.
I need you to be okay so that you can help me because i feel lost in this.
completely.

I don't know where this disconnect is.


this emotion is coming out.
almost daily.
and i don't understand it at all.

Let mercy fall on me.

No, i am not near perfect.
But with the right setting and music,
i can feel infinite like no one you know.

worship i missed you.
a little piece of heaven on earth.

The moon is my vice. Have you seen it tonight?
Its a glorious thing, really it is!
Just for a moment... ponder the moon...
:]


Fritz is laying down half asleep aimlessly growling.
God love that puppy.

My Cathedral

Did you know cathedrals took hundreds of years to make, and those who designed them never saw the fruits of their labor? They love the lord that much. They knew what they were doing was the ultimate worship, and they loved SO intensely, that it was okay to never see the big picture. To never see their dreams take shape. A huge timely and costly task, offering no pay back or beauty to behold within the designers life time. But pure of heart, they knew the world would benefit. I bet they even dreamed of people gazing upon these brilliant creations centuries later, inspired by the perfectly designed architecture. The thought of others marveling in delight at the wonderful beauty, and finding peace through the sight. finding faith through perfect sight. And it was enough. Dreams, and faith were all they needed... and they could accomplish anything. Anything.

My music is my cathedral.
I hope to inspire and prove
that dreams and faith are all you need to accomplish anything.
Anything.

you look beautiful now

i don't trust myself with making my own decisions most the time.
i wait for the opinion of others.
if they agree or support me,
its golden. i feel good.

If they don't,
well then i can convince myself i need to do what i want.

its a silly thing really,
taking the long road in a sense.

i want to be more comfortable with me.
we'll get there, i know.

why don't i see my best friend more?
have you seen her?
She is beautiful.

Tanner hates me and thinks all i want him for is music and frozen yogurt but its not true!!!!
he will see the light soon.
he is my own blood. DUDE.

"I'm such a terrible scatter brained blogger!!!"
give or take a few exclamations, this is the most recent text i sent.
and its true!!!

close friends,
I'm glad I already know you love me. :p

I'm going to go watch a good movie with Bethany and veg out.
kiiinda my calling in life, a little bit.

really.
i frustrate myself with my lack of focus right now.

what is this!?!
I'm either miss deep thinker 2008
or i can't keep a steady stream of thought for more then 7 seconds!!!



you mean the world to me.
are we okay?
maybe we could talk about it...

max is technically mae...

i know, i'm a slacker big time.

someone needs to hold me accountable for this thing.
lets go get some chai and analyze our lives together via blogspot.
how about it?!
haaaah

Nordstrom's half yearly... why do you dissapoint me so?
i found nothing of my liking within your abundance of highly fashionable clothing.
sigh.
maybe next year will bring me as much good fortune as last year.

i did not however come home empty handed!
oh no,
sunglasses and a sweater vest where very insistent on coming home with me.

I added something to my list today.
I'm not sure why it took me so long to add, actually.

#214
play keys for a hardcore band, at a legit show.

yesssss please.


i think my list needs some revising.
like... i have literally done half of it i think.
amazing.
i am amazing.
not to toot my own horn or anything...
just giving it a little love tap.

i haven't done my penny march in awhile tho...
join me!!!!

one of my songs will be on itunes soon.
whoop!
another check mark on the list.

we are just on a roll here....


I'm going to go color now!!
ahhh, sounds so good.

on the verge of convincing myself

really gas? REALLY? is it completely necessary to be so expensive??

i would like to think this is teaching me something.
really, i would.



on a heavier note.

i know what i want to do with my life.
and i will not settle.

God,
please tell me i hear you and not my own reverberations of desire.

this year will be a year of changes.
and i hope i have the strength to keep some things the same.
please let me keep you.
all of you.

some days i think i have it together.
some days i wish i was stronger.
most days,
i just wish i could hear you loud and clear.


hmmmm
pensive tonight!

i really love harmonicas.
and i really love how much you love peewee.


i totally wish i was into really cool artsy films that just... blew my mind.
my repetoire of movies i could watch over and over again...
intensely disneyfied.


i like climbing trees
coloring books
paint by number
and playing mash on wednesday afternoons

my mind wanders too much to write a complete thought right now....
come write a song with me.

in fields where the yellow grass grows knee high

come away with me, and i'll never stop loving you...


Norah makes me feel like I'm close to the eden i was meant for.

UTOPIA! yessss.

4th of July was successful, traipsing about the camp fire. closing my eyes for the 4th annual fire jump. and closing my ears for the slumber party with the boys. halfway, anyways. :p

made new friends from Dallas, and oh they fit with us so nicely. i genuinely miss them.


and its a funny feeling, missing someone right in front of your eyes...

I AM BLESSED. and i feel as though no one has the caliber of best friends that i do.
and i also am blessed with mother nature, and an uncanny erupting subconscious.
Brittany knows. Bethany knows. they love me, and my booty dance.
i love them more everyday. we grow together.



every day, i am reminded that i am special, after all.
and even when my favorite pair of brown eyes aren't around to tell me,
even when my favorite tattooed arms aren't around to show me,
i can close my eyes and be convinced
that i am special, after all.

Gardening for the sweet smell of Roses

So maybe i hopped on the blog train a little late, maybe just in time... who knows.
confined to the blogs of Myspace i had no idea blog spots were such a huge deal these days.

bear with me as i learn to spill my guts eloquently.


i'm all about past joys this summer...
like this outdoor school song that randomly popped into my head a week or so back and hasn't got around to disappearing into the depths of my memory quite yet.
once i swore i would sing this to my husband every night...

if you love me, if you love me
if you love love love me
plant a rose for me
and if you love me, if you love me
if you love love love me
I'll plant an apple tree
so weather i stay
or weather i go
you'll have an apple
and I'll have a rose
so if you love me, if you love me
if you love love love me
plant a rose for me.

Something along those lines...
it's an enjoyable tune.

so I've gotten to thinking a lot about memory lately, the depths of what we remember is almost a scary thought. There are so many memories stored up, it only seems reasonable that one of these days I'm going to start having slight malfunctions and recalling things that are mere figments of my imagination at best, or worse, i could stop remembering at all. The Smell of clean cotton could simply become a pleasantry, and spark no memories of my best friend putting dryer sheets in her bag for the comfort of the familiar scent.

Speaking of smells... ever have smell dejavu? i was talking to Andrew about this the other day.
like one minute your just blindly going through the motions sitting somewhere in a park or whatever, and then all the sudden BAM! you get this smell in your nose that doesn't belong, like of your dad's old cologne, or your mom spaghetti. And its so real!
happens all the time to me...
intense. i tell ya.

hey Edgefield! call me!


i like blogging.
i hope i can keep it up.

courtesy of my avid blogger friend Taylor comes the next section...

Current readings:
Captivating

current listenings:
Amadeus soundtrack (Mozart)